New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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