I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
