Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
