Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
