I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
