Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
