Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Two words: blizzard sex
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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