Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
