Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
