she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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