my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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