i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
