Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
