I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
