oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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