dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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