Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
