my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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