I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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