well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
