its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
