remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
