I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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