Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
