Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize