I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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