I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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