A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
