I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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