I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
