I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
