sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
