Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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