Umm I'm too high to move.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
