First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
