Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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