I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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