dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
