somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
