We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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