you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
