I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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