turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I want a musical about memes.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
