I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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