After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
