Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize