So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
