Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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