I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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