So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
