i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
