I cannot find my penis.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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