Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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