sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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